Tornado inside me

 

I am trying everything possible to keep me happy these days. This blog also, I started writing just to express myself and to feel myself light, it is helping to some extent but inside, I am burning, I am overwhelming, I dont want to say I am depressed or I am stressed. it is just that I am having overflow of feelings and very powerful ones. I am reading books that I have never read before, I am listening music that I have never listened before, I am watching new movies, and videos, I am writing poems and also typing old ones that were handwritten from my old diaries. I am singing, I am cooking, I am working, I am making new friends, no just one new friend. I am chatting, I am using lots of apps. I am doing lots of stuff yet, I dont find peace. I am thinking I will start meditation and riyaz also. 

I don’t know if Bell’s palsy is stressing me out or stressed me intrigued Bell’s palsy to occur, but either way I am being blown away. This strong tornado inside me is taking away everything and swirling around my head, my heart, my every where inside. I am clueless on how to react and how to conduct. What is good or what is bad for me is far far far away from my understanding right now. I just don’t see any hope, any luck or any harm as well on what I want and how I think during this current situation that I am going through. I am being caught up at this short and sweet moment of my life. Why short and sweet? Well, that’s another story I can say or write sometime later again.  

I know and would like to believe so deep down in my heart that Bell’s palsy situation is temporary, and whatever other situation I am going through. This Bell’s palsy, this numbness on the half side of my face, this lowness, this confusion and this chaosness, this restlessness and all the turbulences emotionally, physically and mentally will bring me the serenity as it comes after the strong storm n rain.  

I am foolish, I am stupid yes, I am doing what I want, I am saying whatever I want without thinking of it’s consequences or whatever. I don’t regret what I was or who I was, I don’t want to regret this as well. Enough of enough life principles and righteousness. It is best to follow your heart, mistakes or no mistakes. 

Life doesn’t suck, we do. Life’s an experience, should be exciting. Oh I was searching for the peace n the higher knowledge of my existence last year during this time. I experienced a lot on that journey, no doubt I spent a lot as well. Was it worth? Or is it worth me asking back now? Stupid of me, why am I going to the past again? One can only be taught by their  past. Mine too. Long long past, haha past. 

Well, it’s almost 2 am and I am not sleepy yet. Dear me, stay strong, time will heal everything so will me. I shall be healed and healthy again. Live life, love life. Smile and sleep tight. Good night.